New Suxs Thread

[Kirahfaye]

Perla ... if you dad hit you, run, don't walk, to the police. No arguing with me. He has NO RIGHT to lay his hands on you for anything other than a hug!! My dad was abusive when I was young (more to my mom) and got away with it for years until he started turning his anger on my sister and I.

If you don't think you can turn him into the police, find a counselor to talk to. Yes, they will turn him in - they are required to. If I knew where you lived, I would be the one turning him in just because he should not be allowed to get away with abuse. I cannot abide anyone being abusive - especially to their children.

Please - do it. Even if it's the first time he's ever hit you, if he's allowed to get away with it, more likely than not it won't be the last. And if it's a pattern, you are the only one who can break it.

[Trethowan]

I'll second what Kirahfaye said. You've got to report that to the authorities. It's hard but you've got to own it and get out of there any way you can. Suicide is never the answer.

[Nella]

Lately I've been depressed and didn't want to do anything. I hate Christmas and all that stuff which is supposed to be joyous makes me want to puke. Today I had my English phonetics exam,so more pressure on my nerves than usual. My family isn't helping one bit as I got in another fight with my dad which resulted in him punching me. I'm just tired of living. I don't want to see and talk to anyone. Nothing I do brings me joy, even playing with my dolls and preparing for Saturday doll meet. And I really don't need dad constantly telling me that I'm stupid, good for nothing. Nor do I need my mom telling that it's all my fault. I will be going to my grandma for two weeks, so hopefully I will be able to rest a bit. All of this is just so frustrating! Sometimes I honestly wish I had committed suicide in basic school. I know I shouldn't be thinking like that but I'm tired of everything.

*hugs* Try to relax at your grandma's and as soon as you can just get away from your parents. They are obviously not good to be around for your emotional well-being. Do you have anyone in person you can talk to about this?

[richila]

{{{Perla}}} They are right. There is never a good reason for you to be hit.

[Yanagi-sen]

If you don't think you can turn him into the police, find a counselor to talk to. Yes, they will turn him in - they are required to.

In many states teachers are mandated reporters, in other words if we even THINK abuse is happening we are legally required to report it! Do NOT allow this to continue. *hugs*

[Trethowan]

~flails~ To those of you that have been adults for longer than me, does anyone know how to convince overbearing mothers to back off?

This is a really touchy situation. It took me years of gracefully working with my parents before they backed off and let me be an independent adult.

It takes direct communication. No hinting or hem-hawing around the issue. It takes a little tough love, and explaining clearly your wants and needs. It might help if you talk about how you're excited for the changes in your life, how you can't wait to take your time and put your new apartment together on your own time, that you really need this for your own emotional development, tell her how important it is for you, ask her if she ever went through that same thing, etc. Try to see if she has a shared experience, ask her what her first independent apartment was like and see if that brings back memories and feelings of that experience.

I think you'll have to clearly tell her what you want, why you want it, tell her that you're super grateful for the time she spent helping you and thank her for all she did, "couldn't have done it without you," your help meant a lot, I'll visit soon.

Why does she want to stay so long? What is her love language? It helps to know her underlying motivation to know how to respond to her.

If she's going to be cleaning and unpacking stuff while you're at work and you don't want that, I'd be up front about it. If she shows love by doing acts of service that could be her 'why.' But she also has to understand that this is something you really need right now, and ask her to be sensitive to that need.

Assertive communication is hard. Especially if we're not used to it. Pushing past any comfort zone is tough enough but directly talking about awkward or uncomfortable things can really stress us. It's so much easier to beat around the bush, to talk about vague things, but once anyone gets past that awkward hump and clears the air with assertive language you'll be amazed at what it can accomplish. "Takes a load off."

After a decade of "peeling away" from my manipulative, controlling, yet "it's because we love you" parents I can say that constant monitoring and sticking with your stance, firm assertive communication, tough love, and grace were the things that helped me develop a much healthier relationship with them. They know what I mean now, and they know I mean what I say.

[OkamiKodomo]

Perla, I agree with what has already been said; turn him in! That should not be allowed to continue! I'm so sorry you're dealing with that, but it's never the right answer to commit suicide. As soon as you're able, start looking for a way to get out of that toxic situation. It can be hard but you can do it!

Trethowan, thank you for the advice, and I'll try to buck up a bit about it. I've always been someone who is very easy to manipulate; known it for years. It's how I got into the situation that I'm in right now. My mother always knows just the right buttons to push to make me fold like a bad poker hand. As it is, as long as she's there, I'm going to have to keep my box of ritual tools and the box of dungeons and dragons books in the trunk of my car until she's gone, because yes, she will go through my things. I also have very different tastes than she does, when it comes to decorating.

[arrowchild]

big hugs Perla

[Lif]

@Perla I can only agree to what others already said. Please hun, he or anyone else should not be the reason why you should feel this way or go as far as commiting suicide. Your not stupid, your not "good for nothing". And you should not be made to feel this way. Specially not by THE person who should build you rather then break you. If he can't see that thats to bad for him and maybe he will realise that eventually maybe not. But thats no concern of yours right now.
Go to a teacher or someone else you ca trust and tell them whats going on, how you feel and that you NEED to be out of that situation. I do not know what the law says about abuse in your country so I don't know if going to the police will bring you any help fast.
But I do know that having someone, an adult you can trust to tell about whats going on will atleased help you mentaly.
Do your grandparents know whats going on? Maybe they can help.
I know that telling someone is the hardest thing right now (believe me I do...). But its the only solution to maybe end or atleased help the situation.
Please help yourself.

[takahirokumiko]

Perla, I also agree with what the others are saying. You are better than what he's saying you are. You need to tell someone because no one should have to deal with that, and that includes you. I don't really know you, but you seem like a lovely person. *hugs*